In fact, it was harder to know someone who wasn’t on anti-depressants than to know someone who was.

They had received treatment at the campus health center. This was further enforced in my mind when I went to college and had many friends and classmates who were diagnosed with depression and other mood disorders. There was help available through medication and counseling. Learning about depression made me realize that what I was experiencing had a name and that it was a condition that affected many people, not just me. I became convinced that my life was hopeless. I developed suicidal ideation, although I didn’t know that was what it was called then. This made me wonder what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t change. I saw other Asian kids, including my sister, who had no problems talking and laughing in public, who weren’t afraid to go outside, who acted like normal people. I didn’t cause any “trouble.” And yet, a part of me knew that whatever it was that was holding me back wasn’t because I was Asian. Perhaps because little Asian girls were (and are still) expected to be shy, my silence was not considered a problem by anyone. It was not uncommon for me to go days without speaking more than a few words. This crippling shyness remained with me throughout elementary school, leaving me isolated and silent. I don’t know what caused me to become so reticent and tongue-tied in public. This made my grandfather remark that it was hard to believe I was a girl because I acted so much like my Uncle James, whom I adored, when he was young. Before this time, my mother used to say I was outgoing and tiao pi, or mischievous. Saying hello and good-bye to my neighbor’s daughter on the short walk to and from the school bus stop was painful. It came to such a state that simply greeting other kids was agonizing. At some point during elementary school, I suddenly became very shy. Upon reading the article, so many things began to make sense. I remember Newsweek did a cover story on Prozac back then.

Depression became a normal part of my everyday vocabulary when I was twelve.

Download normal state of mind